


breath before the kiss; fear before the flames

by gracefulally



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 21:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/854399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracefulally/pseuds/gracefulally
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Stiles makes a simple romantic gesture, Derek reacts horribly, which causes Stiles to promptly ends the relationship. Later, Derek engages Stiles in a no-emotional-holds-barred argument to save their relationship, which reduces them both to sobbing messes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	breath before the kiss; fear before the flames

**Author's Note:**

> Title lyrics from "[Glitter in the Air](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3stsDXki__U)" by P!nk.
> 
> Derek in red, Stiles in blue.
> 
> Originally written via inboxes on Tumblr as [icouldbepackstiles](http://icouldbepackstiles.tumblr.com) (as Stiles) and [alphasour](http://alphasour.tumblr.com) (as Derek.)

“Send me the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.”

“Forever.”

“Convenient. Don't confuse your words.”

“Right. Then I should just conveniently end this, right now.”

“Go ahead. I don't see how you could expect us to last. This is only happening because of the extreme situation that is my life, which you were rudely forced into. In any other scenario, I would just be Derek Hale – the guy whose house burned down with his family inside. You wouldn't give me a second glance nor would I be hoping for one.”

“Goodbye, Derek.”

“Wish I could say that I didn't see that coming.”

* * *

“You're so much better off without me.”

“Shouldn't you be conveniently somewhere else? You got your wish, you're Derek Hale, the guy whose family died in a fire and I'm not giving you a second glance. But that's okay, s'not like you're hoping for one.”

“I didn't wish for this! The fighting, the ache, the terror over you getting hurt or worse, the weird feelings, the caring, the trust, the hope for us – I never wished for any of it. I push you because I don't know how to handle any of _this_. I've never had a healthy relationship and you've managed to break down every wall, and it scares me. I try every which way to knock you back because it shouldn't be easy and I don't deserve someone as good as you, but that doesn't mean I don't want you.”

“What was it you said? _This is only happening because of the extreme situation that is your life._ You don't want me, if you did it wouldn't have been so easily dismissed like that. I hope the last time I told you I loved you, you were listening because I wont 'be saying it again.”

“That's because I don't deserve to hear those words ever, especially not from you. Loving me is like loving cancer. I was serious – we wouldn't have happened if my sister hadn't died and Scott hadn't been bitten. I never said you're nothing to me. I don't react well to romantic gestures. The ‘forever’ just made me wonder if this could've happened without all the tragedy. Realizing it wouldn't made me sick. You always wanted normal, but Stiles, we're so far from normal that I can't define us.”

“You know it's funny, you have these ideas in your head about what's going on, here. You presume you know what I feel, but you don't. Yeah, okay, we met through all this supernatural bullshit, but I fell in love with you for who you are, spending all this time with you. If all this never happened, we probably would have met in a completely different way, but all that I felt, still would have been the same because of who you are. But I guess that doesn't matter any more, none of this matters anymore. Those walls I broke down, you rebuilt, only, you built them around me and not yourself – every push, every rejection ever single doubt you have ever had in us. I can't do it any more, That ‘forever’ was what I really felt we could have had if you just for one second allowed yourself to stop hating yourself and the world and see that you had something worth fighting for. I tried, I really tried to get you to believe in what we had, but it wasn't enough, I'm not enough we're not enough for you. I'm done.”

“This is completely my fuck up and you know how much I hate saying ‘I'm sorry’ because, to me, it's an insult to you for you to have to accept everything I've done with a two-word apology. I _am_ sorry, though. So much it's killing me to say that I'm having trouble believing that's what you meant with that word – forever. You shouldn't toss around words like that if you don't believe them. Forever doesn't have an end. If this is the end for us, I'm not ‘forever,’ Stiles. I'm just… convenient.”

“I don't want an apology from you, I don't want anything from you, Derek. I'm done fighting for something you don't even believe in, I'm done getting hurt. Over and over again. This might be the end of us but that doesn't mean I'll instantly stop loving you and I probably never will, ergo ‘forever’. It just means that forever won't be happening with us together. You know how hard I fought to get you, do you have any idea how happy I was that day you called me your boyfriend for the first time, you know I thought ‘This is it, this is the beginning’ and I honestly thought that you and I would finally settle into a groove and you'd slowly begin to realize that everything that's happening around us doesn't mean anything so long as we have each other. Apparently, I was wrong, I'm just glad we didn't take that next step, that we never slept together 'cause, jesus christ, after sharing that with you I'd probably want to off myself right now. Just… promise me that one day, when you wake up and you realize that all this is over and there's nothing more to be scared of that you'll find someone you want and you'll be happy. If I can't make you happy then you deserve to find someone who can. You deserve all of that and maybe one day you'll finally see it yourself.”

“Boyfriend is a word. Partner, mate, lover – they're all just _words_ and I picked one because I didn't want you thinking we weren't together, that we weren't an entity. There is no audible word for what you are to me and there never will be. The feelings I have for you are ones that don't get described. They get shown. I thought you understood that. I thought you'd learned to stop listening. You _are_ in, Stiles. You're getting my raw self and it's terrible. If you give up, I've nothing left.”

“If your feelings are ones that get shown then you've made yourself pretty clear. You've done nothing but push me away. So… I don't know what you want from me, do you want me to stay and just have my soul chipped away at every single time you tell me to leave, or say all of this is too hard, that I shouldn't be here, that I shouldn't love you, that you're not worth it, is that it? Are you trying to break me down to your level instead of letting me pick you up? Because it's working.”

“I'm not trying to do anything but keep myself and my loved ones alive. You are why I stay alive. Sometimes, i have to risk it all because no one else will and I can't let my pack die. Losing Erica has destroyed me and honestly, if I lose you, right now, I'm going to stop trying to stay alive. There's no point in saving myself if you aren't there when I'm come back from the next fight.”

“Don't say stuff like that…”

“I'm not – I'm not trying to guilt you. I'm not even trying to save us anymore. And you are probably going to take that in the worst connotation, but I don't know how else to say that I don't know how to function without you, so trying to save us isn't even on the radar because no us isn't on the radar, either. Stay. Shut me up. You can do that – just hit me over the head with a brick. _Please_.”

" … What happens if I do, Derek? Two days in you'll be saying the same things to me and what, I just have to sit and take it?"

“No – No, I would never ask you to do that. I'm asking you to help me stop. I want to _stop_ doing this to us, Stiles. I've made you speechless countless times with just a look. Why can't I do that for you? I want to do that for you. Please, you have to tell me to shut the hell up. You never do that, you know? You should try it. Even if it takes a couple tries. It _will_ work for you because you're the only person that I trust enough to turn my back or even close my eyes. I'm vulnerable with you.”

“Do you know how much I've tried and how long I've tried to do that? Do you have any idea – Do you even pay attention to me? If you did you'd know that all I do, all I have ever done is fight for this. For us. For you… and what do I get in return? The title of ‘boyfriend’ and not much else. And shut you up, right, because that's what I did all that fighting for?”

“Fuck. Titles. You have _me_ and there is no title that does this relationship justice. I have been fighting since day one to convince you that there's something within me for you and I have never given up regardless of how many times you've thrown my words back at me, or told me you're done, or said that I don't care. I don't give up because none of that hurts me. I'm a mess, you know that, and you're the only one who knows. I don't have anyone else… I lean on you so much and I'm sorry.”

“And who do I have to lean on? Anything I do or say you contradict and tell me I'm stupid for believing it. You focus on one thing and one thing only and that's how bad of an idea you think this relationship is and you know, I don't think you can even call this a relationship. A relationship is a two-way thing, but I only see me trying, here. Yeah, you lean on me and I love that you know you can, but that's it. You don't want me, Derek, you _need me_. If you didn't, you wouldn't take one look at me and you know it.”

“I've never called you stupid – fuck, please tell me that I have never done that!” Derek ripped his own grip from Stiles and turned away. There was a pause as he breathed hard, which turned to slow, shaky sobs. He knew this was getting ridiculous, but he couldn't stop. “Just say it – say what the real problem is,” he whispered. “I know you're holding back on me, you always do.” Tears rolled down his face as he closed his eyes and choked himself enough to say, “It's me. We can't work because of me.”

Stiles let the Alpha pull from him easily, not following like he normally would, not pleading or begging like he had in the past. What was the point? He had Derek in front of him, an absolute mess, but all he could see was three days from now when everything would be right back to this, to arguing, to Derek making sure that this ‘relationship’ was known as nothing more than a mistake.

“Not in so many words, but basically? Yeah,” he spoke up, finally, though his own voice was strained to the point it was barely a whisper. “What do you want me to say, Derek? That everything you've done up until now has been perfect and I'm the problem? That, what? I want more than I deserve? That what you do should be enough? I don't…”

He swallowed thickly, rubbing fingers and thumb over his eyes to hold back the tears that were forming. “We can't work because you wont _let us_. We can't work because you've had your idea of what this is from the beginning and you wont let that change. We can't work because you wont accept the fact that I love you and that what I want is you. You think I deserve more, better? Someone else? What I want and what I deserve are two different things and you – you're what I want. But that isn't enough for you. Like I already said, Derek, _none of this_ is enough for you.”

It was now Stiles' turn to become an over-emotional mess – sniffling and wiping at his eyes desperately, not wanting to be this torn apart. but he was. How could he not be? “I don't know what I am to you, Derek. I'm something, I know I'm definitely something because you need me around. but I'm definitely not what I want to be…”

Hearing the hitch in Stiles' breath, Derek looked back. His own emotion didn't cease, but he managed to drag his feet back over to Stiles. His tears freely gathered and tumbled while his quivering lips slid together. Carefully, he took Stiles' hand, the one that had wiped at tears, and brought it to his mouth. Derek kissed each finger's pad, the knuckles, the back of the hand, and the palm, which he brought to his face. Then, kissing his own thumb, he gently pressed it to the mole near Stiles' lips as he sniffed.

Quivering lips and glazed over eyes were what Derek was met with when he turned. Stiles was continuously trying to stop those tears from falling, not wanting to cry over Derek anymore, he'd done that enough. It was time for him to man up and hold his own.

But how does one do that when faced with a crying Derek Hale? A werewolf who didn't only not show his emotions but barely believed in many of them. One who was now simply letting whatever he had built up inside fall freely, like he didn't care, like for once in his life he was able to just show what he was feeling without really feeling weak, though Stiles was sure that there was a part of him that still did.

How do you hold yourself together when the person you are reprimanding is suddenly showing you more affection within a few seconds than he had your whole relationship? Each kiss received a reaction be it a broken sob, a whine or just a twitch of a muscle, and that hand now about his face had Stiles' head tilting into the touch, his cheek resting in the curve of Derek's palm, eyes closed as another single tear fell and trailed down said cheek.

It was a small gesture that spoke so much, but there were so many reasons behind it that Stiles wasn't sure whether he should be happy or terrified. A light swallow was given and his eyes open to look up into those swollen, water glazed eyes of the other, biting down on his lip as again it began to quiver.

Licking across his lip he tasted the salt of his own tears and with that he took in a deep breath before gathering the courage to speak; or more so, whisper. “Is that an apology, a promise or a goodbye?”

Derek tilted his head slightly to indicate his dismissal of those three options as he swallowed over the tightness in his throat. “It's love,” he replied in a hitched whisper and leaned back into Stiles' touch as he nudged at the fresh tear on Stiles' cheek with his thumb.

Several blinks were thrown in Derek's direction, trickles if tears that splash off from his lashes, spraying across his cheek, which he turns into Derek's awaiting palm and wipes them free. Another light swallow is given and there is air forced from Stiles' nose as his lips twitch into a smile, those two combined swiftly contorting to a light, overwhelmed laugh.

Bringing a hand up to the one that rested against his cheek Stiles interlocked his fingers with Derek's pulling said hand to his lips and mirroring the wolfs own actions from moments ago, finally dropping both hands – still twined together – to his side.

Stepping into Derek's space he licked across his own lips and his head gave a hesitant jerk forward before he finally pushed for a kiss. He didn't think there was any room for words other than, “I love you.” As he pulled back, just a few centimeters to breathe, soon following up with a second kiss.


End file.
